Thursday, February 11, 2010

Confessions of a Crazy Bitch

My name is Shelby Bernard and I might be a crazy bitch. When it comes to relationships, there’s more gray area than I care to discuss. I’ve felt my fair share of crazy and fellas beware, I don’t think I intend to change too much. I love passionately, and many times I act through that emotion. I’m not alone in this, but I am brave enough to say I am one of those who applauded when Angela Bassett set the car on fire. Or when the girls in the car shot at Jay-Z in the “Can’t Knock the Hustle” video. I felt some sort of relief at all the ways Karen Hill acted out in Goodfellas when Henry couldn’t keep it in his pants. I want justice for all women done wrong. Is it too much that I don’t care how the justice is served? If I look as sexy as Angela does burning a car, can you be mad at me for doing it? Take care of a prize fellas, that's all I want you to do!

So I decided to dig into what makes women crazy. Why do women go through the phone looking for misbehavior? Why do we wait outside your place of residence to see what time you come home or who you arrive with? Why do we stalk on the social networks? There comes a point where crazy bitches like myself should understand that if you seek, you will find. But fellas, don’t our findings validate the search?

The million dollar question is “are women crazy or is it men who make us act this way?”

When I asked this question to my twitter family, they all seemed to agree that women are crazy. Since it is expected of me to be that way, I will expect you to understand. Crazy is as natural as my chromosomes, dishonesty and sneakiness is not, so you can fight that. Don’t you know God made us from your ribs? That should make you want to do right by me. Since you don’t fully value me, how else can I act? Of course I’ll be a little loco. Rather than digging into a reform program for "the crazy bitch," I've decided to help the individuals who are truly clueless. The men.

How men can make it work with a crazy bitch:

  • Men like to fix things and play the hero? Then save me. Three six Mafia style. Be captain-save-her.
  • If I’m crazy in the morning, chances are I’ll be crazy at night too… in the bed. I think that makes it worth it.
  • Just wife us. Stop with the “talking” bullshit.
  • Let go of your mommy issues. We know you love her, but I bet she is a crazy bitch too, ask your daddy. Or your stepdad. Or her boyfriend. Get the trend?
  • Listen to us. Or act like it. Call it role playing if that turns you on.
  • Many things can be solved with a simple “baby you’re right, and I will try to do better for us.”
  • Always answer your phone. Peace will come if you follow this rule.
  • Remove all sharp objects, valuables, flammable items, bricks, stones, bleach, etc. from the house in case of a fight. We will find a way to make anything else a weapon but don’t make it easy for us.
  • Be consistent. Don’t be super amazing in the beginning of our relationship and get lazy a few months down the line. This causes speculation about why, and of course the subsequent crazy behavior.

Problem solved.

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