Why the Relationship Jury Will Find Me Guilty

I’m going to go easy on the guys for a real quick second and express the ways I walk into relationship trouble. Ladies, failed relationships are usually, yes, all the man’s fault. But let’s say there’s a chance we could have helped things move in a different direction. Without further adieu, here is my list of actions that have kept this single girl single, my stupid relationship mistakes.

I’m guilty of not screening the guys carefully enough. I love men. Sexy men, smart men, men with passports; I just have a weakness for men. However the guys I like are not always the right men for me. I settle for sexy OR smart, and it shouldn’t be a compromise. If he doesn’t do what I need him to do now, he’s not going to do it further down the line, and I should guard my heart until I’ve met someone who’s met all the requirements and exceeded expectations.

I’m guilty of forcing the commitment. Stacey Dash said she’s been engaged so many times because the sex is crazy. Well if we haven’t built a good foundation for a relationship, it’s not going to last with or without amazing sex. Sometimes we force the commitment to feel secure, not because we know we’re with the right guy. No bueno.

**You could be guilty of this in several ways. Maybe you continually press the idea of being exclusive. Whatever the case may be, force isn't an attractive relationship word. Flow sounds much more comfortable. If he wants to be with you, he will. It will flow.

I’m guilty of not picking my battles. Emotional Archel wants to talk about everything, she never quite shuts the fuck up, and most times that’s needed. I don’t win by arguing, and he’s frustrated when he hears me nag. I mean when was the last time you angrily pointed out where a man could do better, and he agreed with you? Exactly. There are always fish to fry, but is it worth frying the baby fish?

I’m guilty of trying to be the perfect girlfriend, but not necessarily working toward the best relationship. I know, I know. I’m perfect. But I need to recognize my happiness isn’t contingent upon his. Dating is an audition, but not a broadway play. You want to know if you’re right for each other, instead of play pretend until you can’t take anymore. Sometimes I wanted what I wanted to be right for me. Sometimes you need to get down and dirty to know if you should be in that situation at all. Avoiding fights isn’t always the best route to take. You gotta show your true colors to find out if they blend.

I’m guilty of letting my girlfriends in my relationship. Most things are meant to be between the two of you. Work 'em out within yourselves. I always wanted my man to be friends with my girls. I would talk up one to the other so much so that my boo and my bff’s could blend and we could all be one big happy family. Then, one of my “girls” dated “my man.” Even if they’re looking in your best interest, your girls can make some problems bigger than necessary because of how much you let them tell you how to feel. Either way, a relationship should stay between the two parties involved. Let your girls watch romance movies and reality television if they want drama. Your life isn’t it.

I’m guilty of not letting it be over. Some relationships run their course. When you spot that yours has, let the course end and walk away with some dignity. People always say women should trust our intuitions, go with our guts. Sometimes our intuition is telling us things and we cannot clearly hear them. Your gut tells you there’s a little more juice left to squeeze from the relationship. Yes, listen to your gut, but don’t trust it unconditionally. Don’t be thirsty. It’s damaging to future relationships, and the only one who stands to lose is you (see It’s Over).

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
-- Marilyn Monroe

Serving Others #97, 66, and 1

Service, Schm-ervice. This shit is hard. Who would have thought it would be so hard to serve others? With each task I find myself struggling not to serve my own wants. At any rate, day 2, 3, &4:

1. Smile:: This is a great habit to develop to start each and every day and to practice whenever you have the chance. The great thing is that smiling at others is easy and takes nothing but a little effort. Nearly everyone responds to a smile and it makes you and the other person feel better immediately.
Smiling is super hard, not because I'm not a happy person, but because I'm too cool to smile at everyone. Sometimes I would catch myself smiling at people and they would look away of discomfort. Other times I would just look and smile at an attractive guy, like at the pool party we hosted last night. When you smile at someone, it makes starting a conversation so much easier. Alas, I'm still only smiling at cute guys which only benefits me. I will say this, smiling is amazing to break the ice, and hard when you're used to being the cool girl. This will definitely be something to work on in my 100 days.

I tied this in with task #97 at the pool party.

97. Say hello often to strangers::Living in Calgary, while it isn’t a huge city, its much bigger than the small town I grew up in and it is odd how seldom people say hello. I hate that about the city and I’m doing my best to change it. You can to by greeting strangers, smiling in public and by simply hello to people as often as you can around the city. I ride my bike to work and love the bike paths I ride along as I often pass by people and have a chance to spread a smile and a hello. Most often it brings a smile in return and isn’t that a great way to serve. I think so.

Once again I used the party scene as a crutch. Would I have spoken so freely had I passed these people on the streets? Nah. How about females? Probably not. Why is being nice so hard? Let's be honest, I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. Being friendly is really something we're not all that used to. I'm working on it but it's going to take a little while and a lot of effort.

66. Express your passions::Passions expose a positive attitude, joy and excitement from a person when they are expressed, or at least more so than normal topics. This excitement rubs off on others and in turn help to encourage them to be excited or to express their own passions as well.
Super selfish. I could talk about what I want to do all day long. Yesterday my favorite, hiring COO was more than happy, as usual, to lend an ear and lots of time for me to chat about my dreams and goals. **Checks off list and pushes the easy button.** Not quite sure what I accomplished from this but I'm glad my life could make someone else's day.

Faded Pictures

"The past is our definition. We may strive, with good reason, to escape it or to escape what is bad in it, but we will escape it only by adding something better to it."
--Wendell Berry

Serving Others #42

Okay so I'm off to a shaky start.

In my mind the next tip said "Pay for the person's coffee in line behind you." I was wrong.

42. Pay for the stranger’s coffee behind you in line::Head on through the drive through or even at a till in person and tell the cashier you would like to pay for that other person’s purchase as well. You will quite likely surprise the cashier and the other person with such a simple act of kindness.

So my best friend Danielle was working hard on some law school stuff at Panera. I know she is a coffee drinker so I said "Come get behind me in line." Of course she picked a pastry instead.

Cool beans except that she's not a stranger. Just a hard working law school student whose loyalty to me is unwavering. I know the idea is to do a random act for someone you don't know, but eh, I couldn't help but break the rules a little bit.

I think I'll still file this one away for the guy files, and the next coffee or pastry I buy will have a side order of tall, dark, and yummy man to go with it. Yeah, so far I like serving others.

100 Ways to Serve Others

Last night I used my new favorite time wasting tool StumbleUpon, and stumbled upon something that will hopefully change my life in 100 days or less.

What does it truly mean to serve others? I hear about it when I make it to church with my family. I know I'm supposed to serve others, but I picture service as something that lifts another while demeaning me.

That's certainly not the case.

But I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels that way, or people would serve others more frequently and intently.

The list I'll be using as I try to change my life is 100 Ways to Serve Others. Maybe by following me in my journey you'll be inspired to try a little tenderness yourself...

The Scoop (and hold me to this): I will use at least one new tip each day. I will use them intentionally, as you can't casually serve another. I will go out of my way to use every tip (except house a homeless person because honestly, that's just a tad scary). The tips are simple, but we don't practice them often enough. Hopefully at the end of my term I will be a visibly better person. It's going to take practice and it's going to take heart, but I believe in this.

Which leads me to tip #61 and my first action of service.

61. Admit your faith and beliefs::How you possibly serve others if you do not share or admit for faith and beliefs with them. Wouldn’t that be deceiving them, hiding things from them or even lying to them if you take it too far in fear of telling them? If you truly have faith and believe in it, you HAVE TO also believe in the value of sharing it. Yes, there are good times for this and perhaps some bad times, but you must be willing to admit your faith and belief systems.

I believe in the power of an individual to make someone's day better. I believe in positive thoughts preceding positive actions. I believe in the universe being on my side, and I believe it's up to me to take advantage of all the pots of gold the world has hidden for only me to find. I believe I'm blessed beyond measure and I believe I'm meant to get it all!!

I also believe I just straightened my hair and it's raining outside. I further believe I'm meant to be in South Africa for this historic World Cup. Instead I'm getting my toes painted "Pool Party" pink. Tip #1 is simply SMILE, and I will do just that.



I wasn't born an heiress, but I gotta admit I have it ALL. I have the world at my fingertips and a pretty solid home base. I believe I'm set.

The Little Things

Hansei-- A central idea in Japanese culture in which you acknowledge your mistakes and pledge a commitment to do better. It recognizes self awareness to be the first step in self improvement.

Hansei also means greeting success with modesty and humility. To stop hansei means to stop learning. With hansei one never becomes so convinced of one's own superiority that there is no more room or need for further improvement.

I always liked what the media wrote of Japanese culture. The stereotypes always seemed in such harmony with the world and self, with every action leading toward happiness and a clearer inner resolution. Sometimes to do better, we just have to know that better can be done.

It's Over... Kind Of

Women are good at being unable to realize when something is over, aren’t we? I mean, once you break up how many conversations about the status of the relationship does a girl need? There is no relationship. It’s over. But is it?

If you’re like most women I know, there’s an in between phase you don’t enjoy, but somehow seem to find yourself in the middle of anyway. He may not be spending the night every night, but he may come through on the late night twice a week. He may be talking to other girls, but in your mind he’s still yours. The two of you may even go on a few dates together, but the fact still remains, that ain’t your man anymore.

See my days are cold without you

But I'm hurting while I'm with you.

Though my heart can't take no more I just keep running back to you.

--Ashanti

Here’s my list of the top 5 things to do to forget about this in-between bum. You may not need him, but you need to follow these rules. Dedicated to all the situations I let sit in my house well after the expiration date had passed.

Sing the song, “We Can’t Be Friends.” I’m one of those girls who thinks you can be friends with an ex-boyfriend. This has caused me more pain than the actual break-up. Men just don’t see it that way. I feel I can still use your network, and rely on the fact that you know me better than most others, therefore making you the perfect bestie. The reality is you don’t need the stress that comes with this friendship. Every time you get together you’ll want it to be like old times, and nope “friends” don’t fuck. So let this friend go on his merry way.

The blame here goes to the men. If only you could be as peaceful as we are and just be cool, you would have a wonderful woman in your corner. But then could you as the woman keep it together, or is this just your personal compromise with yourself? You can’t have all of him but you’re fine with a piece. No ma’am. In 2010 we don’t settle. And we go where we’re celebrated, not just tolerated. Sing the remix ladies: We can’t be friends…. I’m just so much better than you.

Deep down you know it's best for yourself but you

Hate the thought of her being with someone else

But you know that it's over

You know that it's through

--Usher

Delete the number. Y’all aren’t friends right? So why do you need the number? When are you gonna need to call him? What are you gonna need him for? The last boyfriend I had had a name that began C-H. So everytime I would go to call my Aunt Christine, Mr. C-H popped up to the top of my address book. Then I would start to get all sad about the phone conversations we would have. And I would think back to the wonderful way he made me feel. And then I would want to text him. And then I was fucking up because none of the fights we had popped into my head. Delete the number, and the sooner the better.

Here, no one can take the blame. You save numbers in this day and age. You just have to be big enough to delete them too. Here’s a comforting thought: If he still cares he’ll call you soon enough and you’ll have the number again. However if he doesn’t, you’ve removed the thirsty option from your choices of people to hit up today.

I can't leave him alone...

--Ciara

Just say no. No one likes getting laid regularly more than I do. But I doubt it’s worth all the side stress that comes with it. Plus, can you guarantee he’s not sleeping with someone else too? All of a sudden it’s sex you’re risking your life for. Yes, it’s that serious! This isn’t a monogamous relationship if it isn’t a relationship. So let’s set the scene: It’s 12:15am, and when you were in a relationship, the two of you would be settling into bed at this time. Now that you’re single, he’s texting you asking if you want company for the night. Your answer needs to be “Nope I’m good, I’m really tired.” He does not need to be coming over because it’s not gonna be just for tea. You’re a progressive woman. Don’t run in circles, run pyramids. Take note, you’re not really giving him an excuse either. He’s not entitled to one. Just tell him kindly that it’s a no go, and take your ass to bed. This is the hardest, but if you do it and stick to your guns you will be walking the path to inner resolution.

Blame game: Him. He ought to be ashamed of his little frisky, horny self.

Live fabulously! He wins if you’re unhappy while he’s moved forward. Go out. Meet sexy new men. Do work. Make your life matter more. Time isn’t on your side. Who wants to look back and see wasted days spent thinking about someone who is unworthy? You will leave your legacy, don’t tarnish it by selling yourself short. I often think about how Obama’s ex-girlfriends must feel. If I were one of them I would feel salty as hell we didn’t make it work. Really? I would be Mrs. Barack Obama right now. As for Barack, he’s Barack. He isn’t worried about any ex! He’s a gem. So are you. Maximize your possibilities. Be that chick for yourself, but it’s sweet to think someone’s really really going to regret letting you go.

Blame it on you if you don’t follow this rule. Go out and get your life my love! Make moves! Take this opportunity by the balls!

Repeat. You’re going to kiss a lot of frogs, and maggots, and possums, before you meet a king. Remember we aren’t looking for princes, and that king is going to be a real step up guy. No bullshit. Or low bullshit. Either way, don’t let the misbehaviors of many prevent you from finding happiness with one. Don’t regret things that made you smile, but take everything as a learning experience.

When I think of relationships, even though I don’t want to get married, I think of those that last. They take effort, but they make it past the on-again off-again bullshit this blog post is describing. If you have to beg him to be there, what’s he gonna give when he’s by your side? A friend once said, if you hold onto something that’s trying to let you go, you get dragged through the dirt. Touché. I’m too bad a chick to roll through dirt, how about you?

I believe you can have your cake and eat it too.

I mean why else would you have cake?

But you can't have MY red velvet,

with the cream cheese icing I may add,

and still be looking for strawberry.

How selfish?!?! And why would you want that second rate flavor??

I'll just find someone else to enjoy my goodies.

And trust me, they ARE good.

But you already knew that.

--Me!