Monday, June 14, 2010

Why the Relationship Jury Will Find Me Guilty

I’m going to go easy on the guys for a real quick second and express the ways I walk into relationship trouble. Ladies, failed relationships are usually, yes, all the man’s fault. But let’s say there’s a chance we could have helped things move in a different direction. Without further adieu, here is my list of actions that have kept this single girl single, my stupid relationship mistakes.

I’m guilty of not screening the guys carefully enough. I love men. Sexy men, smart men, men with passports; I just have a weakness for men. However the guys I like are not always the right men for me. I settle for sexy OR smart, and it shouldn’t be a compromise. If he doesn’t do what I need him to do now, he’s not going to do it further down the line, and I should guard my heart until I’ve met someone who’s met all the requirements and exceeded expectations.

I’m guilty of forcing the commitment. Stacey Dash said she’s been engaged so many times because the sex is crazy. Well if we haven’t built a good foundation for a relationship, it’s not going to last with or without amazing sex. Sometimes we force the commitment to feel secure, not because we know we’re with the right guy. No bueno.

**You could be guilty of this in several ways. Maybe you continually press the idea of being exclusive. Whatever the case may be, force isn't an attractive relationship word. Flow sounds much more comfortable. If he wants to be with you, he will. It will flow.

I’m guilty of not picking my battles. Emotional Archel wants to talk about everything, she never quite shuts the fuck up, and most times that’s needed. I don’t win by arguing, and he’s frustrated when he hears me nag. I mean when was the last time you angrily pointed out where a man could do better, and he agreed with you? Exactly. There are always fish to fry, but is it worth frying the baby fish?

I’m guilty of trying to be the perfect girlfriend, but not necessarily working toward the best relationship. I know, I know. I’m perfect. But I need to recognize my happiness isn’t contingent upon his. Dating is an audition, but not a broadway play. You want to know if you’re right for each other, instead of play pretend until you can’t take anymore. Sometimes I wanted what I wanted to be right for me. Sometimes you need to get down and dirty to know if you should be in that situation at all. Avoiding fights isn’t always the best route to take. You gotta show your true colors to find out if they blend.

I’m guilty of letting my girlfriends in my relationship. Most things are meant to be between the two of you. Work 'em out within yourselves. I always wanted my man to be friends with my girls. I would talk up one to the other so much so that my boo and my bff’s could blend and we could all be one big happy family. Then, one of my “girls” dated “my man.” Even if they’re looking in your best interest, your girls can make some problems bigger than necessary because of how much you let them tell you how to feel. Either way, a relationship should stay between the two parties involved. Let your girls watch romance movies and reality television if they want drama. Your life isn’t it.

I’m guilty of not letting it be over. Some relationships run their course. When you spot that yours has, let the course end and walk away with some dignity. People always say women should trust our intuitions, go with our guts. Sometimes our intuition is telling us things and we cannot clearly hear them. Your gut tells you there’s a little more juice left to squeeze from the relationship. Yes, listen to your gut, but don’t trust it unconditionally. Don’t be thirsty. It’s damaging to future relationships, and the only one who stands to lose is you (see It’s Over).

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
-- Marilyn Monroe


  1. I think that at some point we must all admit to being guilty of many of the relationship crimes you mentioned above. Knowing id half the battle. Now that you know what you've done that hasn't worked out for you, you can work on finding relationship nurturing techniques that do work!

  2. Yepyep! I'm on a mission to grow!

  3. Yea I TOTALLY agree about letting your friends into your relationship. As much as we love our friends they are damaging...even if they hype you up in a "good" way. They will have you thinking he's gonna propose tomorrow and yo dumb ass mess up what you and him had agreed I was just thinking about I'm smarter. I just let my friends know that I'm safe and not bein mistreated, and invites to hang out with us when we go out...nothing more and nothing less. It just works better that way

  4. That's good advice Crys, sounds balanced!

  5. We need to be BFFs your views are the same as mine (with a few irrelevant differences) I'm a little older than you (only 2 years) so everything you talk about I'm already up on it. But I'm so glad you learned to NEVER LET YOUR FRIENDS INSIDE YOUR RELATIONSHIPS and I mean in every aspect. Don't even mention how good the sex is...people are not genuine these days and don't really care about your emotional, mental and physical state. They're mostly concerned about they can get from you. BITCHES!!!!