Why the Relationship Jury Will Find Me Guilty

I’m going to go easy on the guys for a real quick second and express the ways I walk into relationship trouble. Ladies, failed relationships are usually, yes, all the man’s fault. But let’s say there’s a chance we could have helped things move in a different direction. Without further adieu, here is my list of actions that have kept this single girl single, my stupid relationship mistakes.

I’m guilty of not screening the guys carefully enough. I love men. Sexy men, smart men, men with passports; I just have a weakness for men. However the guys I like are not always the right men for me. I settle for sexy OR smart, and it shouldn’t be a compromise. If he doesn’t do what I need him to do now, he’s not going to do it further down the line, and I should guard my heart until I’ve met someone who’s met all the requirements and exceeded expectations.

I’m guilty of forcing the commitment. Stacey Dash said she’s been engaged so many times because the sex is crazy. Well if we haven’t built a good foundation for a relationship, it’s not going to last with or without amazing sex. Sometimes we force the commitment to feel secure, not because we know we’re with the right guy. No bueno.

**You could be guilty of this in several ways. Maybe you continually press the idea of being exclusive. Whatever the case may be, force isn't an attractive relationship word. Flow sounds much more comfortable. If he wants to be with you, he will. It will flow.

I’m guilty of not picking my battles. Emotional Archel wants to talk about everything, she never quite shuts the fuck up, and most times that’s needed. I don’t win by arguing, and he’s frustrated when he hears me nag. I mean when was the last time you angrily pointed out where a man could do better, and he agreed with you? Exactly. There are always fish to fry, but is it worth frying the baby fish?

I’m guilty of trying to be the perfect girlfriend, but not necessarily working toward the best relationship. I know, I know. I’m perfect. But I need to recognize my happiness isn’t contingent upon his. Dating is an audition, but not a broadway play. You want to know if you’re right for each other, instead of play pretend until you can’t take anymore. Sometimes I wanted what I wanted to be right for me. Sometimes you need to get down and dirty to know if you should be in that situation at all. Avoiding fights isn’t always the best route to take. You gotta show your true colors to find out if they blend.

I’m guilty of letting my girlfriends in my relationship. Most things are meant to be between the two of you. Work 'em out within yourselves. I always wanted my man to be friends with my girls. I would talk up one to the other so much so that my boo and my bff’s could blend and we could all be one big happy family. Then, one of my “girls” dated “my man.” Even if they’re looking in your best interest, your girls can make some problems bigger than necessary because of how much you let them tell you how to feel. Either way, a relationship should stay between the two parties involved. Let your girls watch romance movies and reality television if they want drama. Your life isn’t it.

I’m guilty of not letting it be over. Some relationships run their course. When you spot that yours has, let the course end and walk away with some dignity. People always say women should trust our intuitions, go with our guts. Sometimes our intuition is telling us things and we cannot clearly hear them. Your gut tells you there’s a little more juice left to squeeze from the relationship. Yes, listen to your gut, but don’t trust it unconditionally. Don’t be thirsty. It’s damaging to future relationships, and the only one who stands to lose is you (see It’s Over).

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
-- Marilyn Monroe

What Archel Wants :: The Checklist

Here's another page out of my video diary :) I'm interested to know what you think, men and women alike, of my standards. Where should I bend the rules??

The Independent Woman Killed the Real Man

It all started a few summers ago when Webbie decided to make I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T the new female anthem. I would be in the club with my fake ID saying "check" everytime he rapped another item I had of my own. Yes I pay my own rent. And when I want steak and shrimp for dinner, I go buy my own steak and shrimp for dinner. Period. I know I can take care of myself, but you want me to have two jobs to be a bad broad? If I'm doing all of this for myself, why do I need you in my life again? And why are we listening to a man named Webbie to define the standard of women these days?

Then came NeYo. He made the independent woman sound like "that chick" I really wanted to be. Twice. It was like the first song wasn't enough. You really needed a remix to understand how wonderful a woman is that can literally stand, run marathons, and leap bounds all on her own two feet. Soon women everywhere were claiming they didn't need a man to do anything for them. I mean anything. It's been the trend ever since.

But why?

Let's look at this independent woman phenomenon from a societal point of view. Many women, especially black women, are seriously living their lives without a man to be the other half. My mom and most of my aunts did the mother and father role. They're truly independent women. But they didn't walk around singing it like it were a badge of honor. These are the cards life dealt, so they learned to make lemon pie out of lemons. Maybe Webbie, NeYo, and all the wonderful people who loved these songs felt a connection to them because of their own personal experiences with independent women. I can't lie, I bought the ringtone. But doesn't the independent woman get courted? Do we have to go dutch on the first date for you to know you have a top notch chick on your hands? Is it no longer acceptable to want you for more than sex? Because technically, I can buy that too if I've truly got my own...

Switching gears to the effect this can have on a relationship: fellas, do you truly believe you're connecting with a woman who hasn't allowed you to step up in her life? A woman who continues to be completely self reliant isn't making room for you anywhere else but her bed. No matter how exciting that may sound right now, if you're ever looking for longevity, you're not going to find it under those stakes. Take my wonderful mother for example. As stated before, she was mommy and daddy for a while, but being the newlywed that she is I'm sure she's riding shotgun sometimes because that's what men and women do when they commit to each other. Emphasis on "each other." That makes it a dual thing. Boys and girls play the "too independent" games, and when it's "each other," there's no room for that kind of stuff. Comfort within yourself means allowing each other to play their rightful role in a relationship. Court me, dammit. Serve me and I will serve you.

As a secret fan of The Bad Girls Club I want to talk about the date Kendra had at the chicken wing spot a few episodes back. Her date really left her with the whole tab. How rude? He didn't even offer to contribute to their $20 check because he claimed he was testing her. *insert Scooby-Doo voice here* What would the Millionaire Matchmaker have said about him?

I won't dwell on this too long. Guys, don't be jerks. Your mama's raised you better. Ladies, don't allow yourself to be walked on like that. It's not acceptable if you don't allow it to be. Once you know how to be treated like a lady, why would you ever, ever, EVER step backward? I thought we were the progressive half of the species.

There are two laws I want to make apply to this sweeping injustice...

Fellas, Law 11:: Learn to keep people dependent on you :: To maintain your independence you must always be needed and wanted. The more you are relied on, the more freedom you have. Make people depend on you for their happiness and prosperity and you have nothing to fear. Never teach them enough so that they can do without you.

Bottom line, don't become extinct. As nice as it is to keep $10 in your pockets because she bought her own movie tickets, she's going to find the one she needs and I don't mean financially. If you don't step it up and be the partner a woman is owed by God, someone else will. The ideal man will sing the NeYo song and he opens the car door.


Ladies I got one for you too. Law 34:: Be royal in your own fashion: Act like a Queen to be treated like one:: The way you carry yourself will often determine how you are treated. In the long run, appearing vulgar or common will make people disrespect you. For a queen respects herself and inspires the same sentiment in others. By acting regally and confident of your powers, you make yourself seem destined to wear a crown.


Don't be scared to be a queen. Take the place you know you deserve, because factually a real man wouldn't let himself be so disposable. He wants a front seat in your life and isn't afraid to take good care of you and show that you deserve the best from him to complete the best life you're making for yourself. When you act simple, you get simple men. I'll take the best, thank you. The ideal kind of woman is one who is independent but can still relinquish power to her man. Put...the... check...DOWN. He's got it.

Now "5-star Chick..." I don't have any arguments about.

First Date Etiquette

Hello Lovers--

Today is the 1 week anniversary of my blog and I want to thank you for almost 1000 hits. Your support amazes me and I'm so excited that you all want to read my words. In lieu of the amazing first date I went on yesterday, I thought I would publish a good handful of do's and don'ts as given by my twitter family. Guys, I know I keep it pretty feminine focused on this site, but the ladies were honest about you! Read and enjoy, and of course make sure you're falling in line!

Ladies DON'T get ahead of the date. Yes it is too early to pronounce your first name with his last. It's completely normal to get excited about meeting someone new, but if your expectations for your outing aren't met, who's left high and dry? Give him the opportunity to earn your affection. This way if he doesn't you haven't lost much, and if he does it will be that much sweeter.

Horror Story: "Someone brought his kid on the date! I'm not trying to be stepmama yet!" - Submitted by Ashley (@Peaches_AW)
Lesson Learned: DON'T reveal everything on the first date if you want a second. Dating is the process in which we gradually learn if we're compatible with each other. Although there is something to be said about laying all your cards on the table, we're saying "run!" not "success!" Honesty is important in dating, however understanding the difference between "full disclosure" and "honesty" is key to this.

Horror Story: "He didn't pick up the tab when he asked me out!!" - Submitted by Valerie (@VDubbalicious)
Lesson Learned: DO exercise common courtesy. Everyone has their own feelings about what is an appropriate way to exit the first date. Since this is MY blog, I'm going to say the guy was wrong for that. If you want to put that good foot forward, show me that you can be the gentleman, at least for the first date. If you're on a budget, that's okay. Just take me somewhere you can foot the bill. I know, I know, the best excuse for everything these days is "it's a recession," but sometimes the best dates are the most creative. So I'm certain you can afford me, even if I'm spending more time in thought than anything else.

The flip side to this is DO be prepared for anything thrown at you. Ladies, this is not the time to order things you wouldn't pay for yourself. Since you don't know what to expect from this guy, be prepared for anything. Make sure you come prepared to cover your share of the damage, so if he's not as wonderful as you expected, you've saved yourself from a truly awkward situation.

DON'T name drop excessively, brag about yourself, or your material things. Really what does that have to do with ME anyway? And this date is supposed to be about you and I right? So let's converse about things we can really use to learn about each other.

Things on the super no-no conversation list:

• Wedding/ Honeymoon Thoughts
  
• Credit Score
• Old Relationship Specifics
• Anything that may move someone to tears
• Hypotheticals that include old relationship specifics
• Sex
  

I want you to have a second date. Steer clear of these topics and you may have just that.

DO talk about things you are passionate about. DON'T hide yourself. Dating kind of sucks, but you have to do it. You may as well be honest about yourself from the start. You either find someone you're compatible with, or you don't. When you're honest, there can be no regrets.

Look at conversation from a girls' perspective: "I knew I would go on a second date with him when he really tried to get know me by asking non-standard questions and was comfortable leading the conversation." - Submitted by Adaora (@AdaoraO)

And from a guy's perspective: "If I didn't ask her out again it probably had something to do with convo or just the vibe of the night. If I'm carrying the convo the whole night no bueno!" - Submitted by Shaun (@rg33zy)

DO remember you are on a date to get to know one another, and conversation is the most important factor. When I asked my twitter family for responses to these questions, girls just wanted to laugh and feel comfortable. Guys just wanted responses and to feel comfortable (who'd have thought??). Let's stay away from anything that might hinder this process. Watch the cocktail intake!!

At the end of the day, the first date isn't a contract, it's more of an audition, and I'm sure you'll go through many more of these before you hit your last first date. Get comfortable, be yourself, and think of these last super hilarious stories as you try not to slip up.

"It's nice when guys open doors, but if a girl reaches a door 1st, don't shove her outta the way 2 open it 4 her ... that cancels out the gentlemanly gesture lol." - Submitted by Neela (@Neeeela)

"It's a no go if I checked her facebook page and saw that she dated some of my friends, LOL." - Submitted by Khalid (@ThaGuy22) Editor's Note: Why are you facebook stalking?

"I don't like if she talk 2 dayum much N name drops!! Bitch I givs a fuk who u n da studio wit or who u hang wit n da club." - Submitted by Avery (@Ave34) Editor's Note: Well alright....

"...and then his ex girlfriend called me with her friend on three way like they were trynna jump me! thru the phone!" - Submitted by Rita (@noneknowsmyname)

"But a deal breaker was this guy kept touching me and rubbing me....and trynna stunt me in the club for a booth that me n my girls paid for." - Submitted by Rita (@noneknowsmyname) Editor's Note: Gee Rita, you've had your fair share!

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Also, today is our money man's birthday! Have a good one Omari!! @TheMoneyMaven (See Let's Make Money in our timeline)