Monogamous Equations

"I don't think it's the nature of any man to be monogamous. Men are propelled by genetically ordained impulses over which they have no control to distribute their seed."
--Marlon Brando

See. This is why I cannot date. Men just want to have a lot of sex with no commitment, and I'm only game for half of that equation.

I'd rather make the same person eggs every morning for the rest of forever, than have to learn a new technique every week. I don't see the appeal anymore.

The Numbers Game (Yes I'm Talking About Sex)

How many men is too many men for a woman to have slept with? I hate this subject. For women, the name of the game is the lower the better. We won’t even acknowledge the male-female double standard involved. Does oral sex count to increase the number? If you regret a partner, can you wipe him off your count list? What’s the difference between sexual liberation, experimenting to discover your body, and just being a loose woman? Do you share your number with your partner? Do you even want to know his?

As women, we play the numbers game. As grown women, we need to come up with a formula that works for us. Each time we take off our clothes to become intimate, it seems we have to consider more than simply what we want. We also have to address the moral backlash that comes with making our own decisions. Sexuality is my God-given gift, and I’m thankful for it everyday. Calves made for high heels weren’t an accident. Back dimples are an intentionally placed touch from His hand. My tig-ol-bitties are a nightmare to dress, but I've got the rest of my life to figure it out. Every part of me is meant to be loved and appreciated, by myself forever, and by someone else for as long as I care to let them.

So, how many people should I care to let? Are double digits cool? Or maybe only 5 before I turn 25? I’ll never tell. My mom reads this. And, oh yeah, I wouldn’t want you to think less of me for being comfortable in my skin. I’ve been frisky, I’ve been a prude, but now I’m taking credit for being happy loving me.

So do you tell him? Do you ask him his number? Who cares. What we need to do is make our way to the clinic and make sure we haven’t done any real damage by trying to find ourselves. Sure, there are always those partners you wish you could erase. Do it. It’s YOUR number. But make sure all your relationships-- sexual, professional, anything – were learning relationships. Kids count. Young women regret. Grown women grow. Just be smart.

My mom tried to sit all of my sisters and I down to talk about sex. Really, why? I still giggle about sex around my mom. Yes I’m 22. She’s still my mom. But if I could give my sisters any advice on playing this game, I’d say “you be you, because you’re going to have bad judgement once in a while. You’re going to learn everything you’re supposed to learn. And then you’ll add that last number and realize what all your other numbers were getting you ready for in the first place.”

And if all else fails, have sex by yourself, because that doesn’t count. HA.

Is it Just Me?

... Or are men full of shit these days?

This week the public went crazy after finding out Elin wanted $750 million dollars to ease her pain and end the marriage with Tiger. Yeah $750 million dollars is a lot of money, but I think once a man cheats, he loses all negotiating power. I mean, would she have been more worthy of such a settlement had she caught an STD? Why are men so quick to say Elin’s wrong for this? Helloooo. He cheated. My physical health is worth more than half your income. The vows we made before God are worth everything else and then some. You shouldn’t expect me to simply walk away knowing you’re an asshole, I need you to remember the woman you did this to.

Take Swizz and Mashonda: Alicia Keys is one of the baddest chicks ever. Beleedat. But when the man is married why can’t he respect his relationship and keep himself from being ontop of another woman? It’s like being married isn’t enough to expect exclusivity. You have to move to a barren island to keep your man to yourself these days.

If this is what it is, I don’t want it. A girl I know said, “show me a faithful man, and I’ll show you his mistress.” Even though at first it seemed like a harsh quote, the more I see the unfortunate trysts of apparently beautiful couples, I’m left to wonder how quickly the beauty of a marriage may end after the white dress comes off. Maybe women are entering into relationships expecting bad behavior, and drawing into their lives the negative energy they think about. Maybe we check cell phones and emails for messages that aren't really there. Maybe we make up his late night activities to stir our own insecurities. Or maybe men are full of shit.

Here's an excerpt from Robert Greene's The Art of Seduction.

The Seductive Character -- The Ideal Lover :: Most people have dreams in their youth that get shattered or worn down with age. They find themselves disappointed by people, events, reality, which cannot match their youthful ideals. Ideal lovers thrive on people’s broken dreams, which become lifelong fantasies. You long for romance? Adventure? Lofty spiritual communication? The ideal lover reflects your fantasy. He or she is an artist in creating the illusion you require. In a world of disenchantment and baseness, there is limitless seductive power in following the path of the Ideal Lover.

So I need an Ideal Lover, and full of shit men need not apply. If you cheat on me, I’m taking more than half, and will happily go to court to fight your cheating ass for it. Is it just me?

The Independent Woman Killed the Real Man

It all started a few summers ago when Webbie decided to make I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T the new female anthem. I would be in the club with my fake ID saying "check" everytime he rapped another item I had of my own. Yes I pay my own rent. And when I want steak and shrimp for dinner, I go buy my own steak and shrimp for dinner. Period. I know I can take care of myself, but you want me to have two jobs to be a bad broad? If I'm doing all of this for myself, why do I need you in my life again? And why are we listening to a man named Webbie to define the standard of women these days?

Then came NeYo. He made the independent woman sound like "that chick" I really wanted to be. Twice. It was like the first song wasn't enough. You really needed a remix to understand how wonderful a woman is that can literally stand, run marathons, and leap bounds all on her own two feet. Soon women everywhere were claiming they didn't need a man to do anything for them. I mean anything. It's been the trend ever since.

But why?

Let's look at this independent woman phenomenon from a societal point of view. Many women, especially black women, are seriously living their lives without a man to be the other half. My mom and most of my aunts did the mother and father role. They're truly independent women. But they didn't walk around singing it like it were a badge of honor. These are the cards life dealt, so they learned to make lemon pie out of lemons. Maybe Webbie, NeYo, and all the wonderful people who loved these songs felt a connection to them because of their own personal experiences with independent women. I can't lie, I bought the ringtone. But doesn't the independent woman get courted? Do we have to go dutch on the first date for you to know you have a top notch chick on your hands? Is it no longer acceptable to want you for more than sex? Because technically, I can buy that too if I've truly got my own...

Switching gears to the effect this can have on a relationship: fellas, do you truly believe you're connecting with a woman who hasn't allowed you to step up in her life? A woman who continues to be completely self reliant isn't making room for you anywhere else but her bed. No matter how exciting that may sound right now, if you're ever looking for longevity, you're not going to find it under those stakes. Take my wonderful mother for example. As stated before, she was mommy and daddy for a while, but being the newlywed that she is I'm sure she's riding shotgun sometimes because that's what men and women do when they commit to each other. Emphasis on "each other." That makes it a dual thing. Boys and girls play the "too independent" games, and when it's "each other," there's no room for that kind of stuff. Comfort within yourself means allowing each other to play their rightful role in a relationship. Court me, dammit. Serve me and I will serve you.

As a secret fan of The Bad Girls Club I want to talk about the date Kendra had at the chicken wing spot a few episodes back. Her date really left her with the whole tab. How rude? He didn't even offer to contribute to their $20 check because he claimed he was testing her. *insert Scooby-Doo voice here* What would the Millionaire Matchmaker have said about him?

I won't dwell on this too long. Guys, don't be jerks. Your mama's raised you better. Ladies, don't allow yourself to be walked on like that. It's not acceptable if you don't allow it to be. Once you know how to be treated like a lady, why would you ever, ever, EVER step backward? I thought we were the progressive half of the species.

There are two laws I want to make apply to this sweeping injustice...

Fellas, Law 11:: Learn to keep people dependent on you :: To maintain your independence you must always be needed and wanted. The more you are relied on, the more freedom you have. Make people depend on you for their happiness and prosperity and you have nothing to fear. Never teach them enough so that they can do without you.

Bottom line, don't become extinct. As nice as it is to keep $10 in your pockets because she bought her own movie tickets, she's going to find the one she needs and I don't mean financially. If you don't step it up and be the partner a woman is owed by God, someone else will. The ideal man will sing the NeYo song and he opens the car door.


Ladies I got one for you too. Law 34:: Be royal in your own fashion: Act like a Queen to be treated like one:: The way you carry yourself will often determine how you are treated. In the long run, appearing vulgar or common will make people disrespect you. For a queen respects herself and inspires the same sentiment in others. By acting regally and confident of your powers, you make yourself seem destined to wear a crown.


Don't be scared to be a queen. Take the place you know you deserve, because factually a real man wouldn't let himself be so disposable. He wants a front seat in your life and isn't afraid to take good care of you and show that you deserve the best from him to complete the best life you're making for yourself. When you act simple, you get simple men. I'll take the best, thank you. The ideal kind of woman is one who is independent but can still relinquish power to her man. Put...the... check...DOWN. He's got it.

Now "5-star Chick..." I don't have any arguments about.

Morning Sex: The Formula to Starting the Day off Nicely

“Morning sex is probably the greatest sex you can have all day long,” started a super excited, anonymous caller/ follower of mine in response to my refreshing twitter question. The topic for the day added a little spice to the morning in more ways than one. I wanted to get to the bottom of morning sex, the excitement and the pitfalls, and if you weren’t in the middle of the act during my poll, you were sounding off on my page, through text message, or through direct contact.

Who wouldn’t want to start their day off with a little bit of breakfast lovin’? It seemed more females than our counterparts were excited to take a morning turn, but as with anything we all have our preferences.

The Clean Mouth Campaign:

“Someone HAS to brush!” – Angelique (@LoveAngel84)

“It might be appreciated if at least one person did...preferably the person that did the waking up. But if not just don't kiss lol.” – Crystal (@SeeSiSea)

Let’s just jump straight into the dirt of the matter. Do you brush or don’t you? Part of the excitement of morning sex is the spontaneity of the act. When you roll over and your man is experiencing nocturnal penile tumescence (NPT is a real case, look it up!), and you just can’t waste the good morning greeting on the other side of the bed. Do you fight it for just three minutes and handle the harsh situation in your mouth?

“It kinda takes away from the ‘as I am’ appeal of morning sex and just becomes sex in the morning though, doesn't it?” –Justin (@Phlocaine)

“Brushing would be appreciated but then you’re not just rolling over and doing it.” – Naz (@MissTubman)

So let’s try and be solution oriented with this matter. Keep gum or mints by the bed, just for access to a quick fix if you’re going to partake in morning glory. It would be nice if someone, at least one of you, slipped out of the bed to at least gargle mouthwash. Then again, this is sex. No one said anything about kissing… If you’re both too lazy or too excited to handle your breath, then I hope the height proportions keep your faces far away from each other. Try a position that doesn’t put you face to face, and maybe breathe less? I've heard spooning from the back works wonderfully.

The Fun Factor:

“Morning sex is my fave, not gonna lie. No preparation, it shows that we're comfortable.” –Sharonda (@Wames)

“If morning sex is too good I'll wanna go back to sleep, of course I take the risk though.” – Anonymous

So we have all decided it is a fun activity and great way to spice up the daily routine. After a while, sex can become more of the same, and who knew that the time of day could mix up the way you feel about the action. Morning sex can turn a good day into a great one… or an unproductive one. To make the most of this experience, please try to stay focused on what you have to do afterward. Maybe use it as a prelude to greater things to come after work. You can even try a little time limit. We’re all busy, so giving in to a little temptation is easy and enjoyable enough, but when morning sex is hindering real world success, you may need to reevaluate ‘rising’ with the sun.

“Shower together. Conserve water you know? Also get brunch afterwards. Or make breakfast together. Super comfortable. Love it!” – Neela (@Neeeela)

“Best feeling after a bad dream. Stay in bed for an extra 2 hours. F*** going to work/class.” – Wynton (@F1ash_Gordon)

There are great ways to make this a creative and intimate morning date if you have the time. For most, it’s just a quick fix. But keeping your mind open to the possibilities can only add to your relationship. Morning sex is usually a surprise, so how many more brownie points can you get with some surprise scrambled eggs on the side?

The word most frequently used by women in their responses was “comfortable.” In the morning, a woman may not feel she’s at her sexiest state. If they’re like me, their hair is in a bonnet, all the makeup is gone, and what I couldn’t remove is smeared (too much of a visual??). Bottom line is if I’m going to do something sexy, I’d like to look the part as well. But there’s no more comfortable place in the world than in bed with my boo in the morning. Wouldn’t you agree? That feeling alone sets the scene anyone should need to get going. Kisses and compliments are appreciated, but the companionship and our chemistry at this time should be effortless and mindblowing. Are you getting the correlation?

….ummm I’d Rather Get My Sleep:

“I don’t care what it’s for, no one needs to wake me up so they can get their anything else up!” – Anonymous

So what if you’re “that type” that just doesn’t want it first thing? I always think “where there’s a will there’s a way!” However, this might take more effort on the partner. If there’s a specific time when the morning-sex-monster has to be awake, start the games then. Alarm clocks aren’t necessary to wake people up, and which would you prefer, a little lovin’ or a harsh buzzin’? It might add pep in your partner’s step. Try setting the mood, and don’t rush anything. Soft music or a scented candle may wake a sleeping beauty on the proper side of the bed. Hormones build up overnight during sleep, so use this to your advantage. Of course a lot of my wonderful peers said oral sex is the surefire way to get into the action, and as I’m certain this is true, my mom is a big fan of my blog and I’d rather not go there as I’m sure I’ve already said much more than she would like to hear. I’ll just close with my favorite phrase: you can never have too much of a good thing.

Really cool article on morning sex: http://www.yourtango.com/200931215/ladies-friendly-suggetion-men-am-delight

A few updates:

Sorry I haven’t been posting as much, it is the end of the semester and a girl is almost at graduation!

I did accept the offer from WSB (the ABC News affiliate in Atlanta) and I will be there 20 hours a week in the spring… now if only Monica Pearson would retire and pass the baton…

Is it just me or does a Thanksgiving diet leave anyone else with a muffintop over their jeans? Is that too much visual again? Sorry :/

As always, follow me to participate in my random polls: @The_SJB

 

 

The Vixen Manual: How to Find, Seduce, and Keep the Man You Want

New York Times bestselling author Karrine Steffans keeps releasing page turning novels, and August’s newbie, The Vixen Manual: How to Find, Seduce, and Keep the Man You Want, has proven to be no exception. The slight change in themes however has changed the book club chatter among women, as it’s not about WHO she’s been involved with, but HOW to be involved. Karrine touches on a few of our favorite subjects including love, sex, and becoming a better woman, while giving us insight on how to do it all like a vixen. I’m sure opinions will run wild on this one!

On Casual Sex: You shouldn’t be afraid of what it means to be a woman, and part of that means understanding that we are wired to feel an emotional connection with a sexual partner, especially one who makes a repeat appearance. I’ll say as a single woman, it’s easy enough to fall into the trap of wanting some sort of affection rather than none at all. The old-fashioned approach to dating has evolved, and not to our benefit if we want the appropriate courtship. Any woman who has tried knows it’s hard to turn a man from casual partner into full time love interest in the ninth inning. The issue here is that a woman should truly be honest with herself and her desires as she approaches situations with another man. Casual sex requires too much of your time and energy for such little reward. What is it you’re really searching for with a physical relationship? What void are you trying to fill? Since sex is so easy to get, what value will it fill for you? “A lady makes a man work, and work damn hard for every morsel of affection.” Imagine if every woman thought like this. Reputations would be cleaner, feelings would be preserved, and most important, we would leave ourselves in a better place to find that meaningful relationship we desire.

On Balancing Independence and Loneliness: Don’t look up and find yourself lonely because you were trying to be too worldbound and dominant at home. In the era of the independent woman, it’s hard to ignore the role shift we are experiencing as we try to build the best life we can for ourselves. Many women find it hard to acknowledge when it is appropriate to relinquish power to their partner, and when to keep the driver’s seat. While it is one thing to be on your own and be sufficient in your own company, it is a complete other to be alone because you don’t know how to include a boyfriend into your life equation. If a man is unsure how to fit himself into your independent life, there is nothing preventing him from finding a woman who may be more open to including him. As a woman used to having power, the hardest pill to swallow may be how to share that power in a relationship. What are you scared of? What are you protecting yourself from? I would be more afraid of securing my life as a single female with my subconscious actions. Part of a woman’s power is in knowing when to relinquish simply that.

On Physical Currency: No matter what size and shape you are, be confident knowing that you take good care of yourself. Without taking care of ourselves physically and emotionally, what good are we to a relationship? More important, what good are we to ourselves? So many of us have hang -ups in one area or another of our physical appearance. Sometimes we spread ourselves so thin that our dreams get deferred for other reasons that may seem more important at the time. Nothing should be allowed to come before taking care of yourself. Karrine recommends making a list of goals you want to accomplish, big or small, because in defining yourself, you lose the chance that others will do it for you. I believe things that are out of sight are out of mind, and advancing yourself in any way should be at the forefront of your mind at all times. If you want to lose weight, make a plan, meet with a dietician and do it! If you want to start your non-profit business, find funding, write your proposals and go for it! No one is stopping you but you. When your dreams are big and you stick to the pursuit, the drive is attractive to anyone. Be a compliment to yourself.

On Preparation Meeting Opportunity: The universe always delivers, as long as you believe. Here’s where Karrine starts to get into some more tangible thinking. She explains that your preparation for a man should go beyond your looks, but you should acts as if you already have him around in your day-to-day activities. Visualizing him is one of the strongest ways to bring him. Step back and look into your life. Would your home look the way it does now if you had that man? Would your bed have fresher linens? Does your skin feel and smell as it would if you had that companion? Would you be cooking more? Do you even know what you would be cooking? Take the time to make your environment a welcoming one, that way when opportunity comes knocking, you’re not meeting it with big t-shirts and molded food in the fridge. As with any potential job, you want to go in with your best foot forward. Treat preparation for a relationship the same way. When you believe it will come for you, be ready to accept it and shine. In the end you will have made yourself better individual while you wait on your perfect compliment.

I am curious as to what anyone feels not only on the words she’s saying, but who’s saying it. Karrine Steffans isn’t exactly anyone’s ideal role model, but three bestsellers is nothing to sneer at. Would you take relationship advice from her? Fellas, do you think this is good advice for women to take? Leave comments for me under this post, or tweet me at @The_SJB. My favorite thing about exposing my thoughts is the educational, healthy conversation it sparks. What do you think about this post?

The Vixen Manual: How to Find, Seduce, and Keep the Man You Want is available at Barnes & Noble for $25.99 and amazon.com for $17.15. You can also visit Karrine Steffans’ website at www.karrine.com. She does get into some interesting sex positions as well. I mean, what are we getting her novel for?