Exit Stage College

I was going through some faded pictures and I think the easiest way someone can gauge my changes is from the ways I've celebrated Halloween through college. As I'm graduating, and also looking for a new costume to wear this year, I thought I'd give my own little yearbook of pics. Enjoy throwback me, and encourage wholesome costumes for your daughters because they can't compete with this.
Really there's a point to all this, keep reading.

Freshman year: I was a schoolgirl. I didn't even know girls did Halloween in college until I saw them prancing about in their costumes on campus. They had these sexy costumes, meanwhile I wore stuff I put together from my closet. That Halloween was the first night I had alcohol that wasn't my mom's champagne toast for New Year's. I went to this frat where a boy I went to high school with was a pledge. Brian Tyson had to carry me out of the house because I had two jello shots and felt "weird."

Times have changed.

Sophomore year: I was an AASU snob and went to this super hot house party we had. No costume, I was social chair of the organization and was just feeling like I could come any kind of way. It was, after all, my party (lazy).

Junior year: I still thought girls made their sexy costumes, so I made an apron that said "Chef BoyarDO-ME" and wore this shaper under it. Brian drove me to this predominantly Spanish party which was kind of dull.

Brian was always a one man UN. Here I am with Soulja Girl, a boxer, and Tom Cruise from Risky Business.


My First Senior Year: I had been having car troubles all day but there was no way I was missing this Halloween. I had this amazing fake ID and had been clubbing hard all summer and fall. I had to get a Brazilian wax for this sailor costume because it was so little. We hit Velvet Room and it wasn't long before we were in someone's booth drinking Goose and Rose. I spent the night with this guy I had been talking to at that time, and I realized in his bathroom that I can't mix Goose and Rose ever, ever again.

The ATLPics show how into the club life I was. Wild.




My Second Senior Year: Don't judge me for the two and a half senior years, I was still finding myself. By this point however, the career college student thing was getting old and I had calmed down. I made my costume because I didn't want anyone else to have what I wore. I was decked out in pretty much all spandex, rhinestones on my face, and had a handy dandy whip. I called myself "your fantasy." My girls were kind of annoyed with the continual stings of my costume whip. How you think Toby felt? Of course, the only way to get me out the door at this point is with promises of VIP. We were at Life with a good friend, and that was all the partying I needed for the rest of the year.



My Last Semester: I don't know what to be! But you can visualize my transformation in college from being young, to searching for the party, to finding the party, to now leaving the party.

That's pretty much the way my time has evolved at Georgia Tech. I've learned from relationships with men, from friendships, from organizations, and faculty. I've changed my major and I've opened my mind to going after the career path I truly desire. I've opened my mouth to stand up for myself, to be who I want, and definitely to get what I want. In many ways I've shed my costumes and become confident enough to exit this stage of life, even if just to give everyone else hell as I attempt to run this media thing.

Really, how can you measure change? My hair has gotten a little longer, bank account a little bigger, focus a little more precise, shoe collection a little more stacked.

My grandparents have gotten a little sicker, my family a lot bigger, my friendships a lot closer, my weight a little up, but I've always been this bright-eyed girl looking for my piece of sweet potato pie in the sky. Am I closer to it or still a dreamer? Is anyone watching? Listening? Understanding?

If this is the end of my journalistic freshman year (as I'm coming close to the one year anniversary of sjbthewords.com) I wonder where I will be five years from now? Do you see how green I was as a freshman? The large growth I've experienced in five years gives me so much hope and excitement for what's to come. As I exit stage college, I know the Lord will let 'stage career' be just as much a blessing as the past years have been. You know I'm scared, but the beauty of faith is that I'm allowed to live in delight as He holds my problems in His capable hands.

I share those thoughts with you in hopes that you keep me in your prayers.

It's my time to be Pinky and the Brain and take over the world.

Ready for me??

And as far as this Halloween goes, ideas anyone?

The Price of Loyalty

TI and Tiny were arrested today. Details here, but in summary, the cops smelled the kush, then found the pills, and the rest met me on CNN this morning.

Her blonde weave looks STUPIDfly here I may add.

The whole situation makes me throw their year into review, and question how much thick and thin a lady should experience. Let's reflect.

• In the winter, there was his jail time. Black folks were screaming "Free TI," but he served less than a year for something that should have guaranteed him Meech-time behind bars.
• In the spring and summer, we stayed tuned to the Tiny and Toya show, no matter how boring it all got. And when TI became a free man, he bought Tiny out of her BET contract to essentially end our viewing pleasure.
  
• At the end of the summer, the couple's big wedding day came and went with like zero pics. The cutest thing that came out of it was her cameo in his newest music video.

TI and Tiny always seemed so devoted to each other. Many people feel TI could find someone more attractive. I can't speak on that. As they both go to jail, you gotta see the loyalty involved with being together. I see her as a true rider for him. Sure, Tiny's spending the money that comes along with TI's $110K appearance fees. She's also raising their kids, and constantly defending her relationship with him. It also has to kill her that she's not living her dream by singing anymore. And then there's the little fact that TI can't seem to stay out of legal trouble. This time he did it with his wife in the passenger side. Truly, where's she gonna be when she posts bond? Checking on her boo, right by his side, because given his past legal history he probably isn't getting out with a simple slap on the wrist.

How many women do you know who would be that loyal to a man? Some women have no problem kissing ass for checks, but I think Tiny's loyalty runs deeper than sponsorship. If it were just about the money, do you think she would still be there? She's still spending a lot of nights in bed alone, even though the heating bill is paid.

Can a truly loyal relationship be bought?

Was Elin disloyal to Tiger by leaving him when his reputation hit rock bottom? Did his lack of loyalty toward her give her the freedom to leave his side? Was Tiger truly disloyal when he cheated as long as he was bringing those checks back to his family? I don't believe Elin didn't know about any affairs before the golf club incident. Do you think her attachment to the sweet life bought loyalty 'til the shit hit the fans? What about Kobe, and Vanessa's beautiful, post- Colorado diamond? How's that for purchased loyalty?

How much does a woman get to put up with before she opts out of being the loyal wife/ girlfriend/ friend?

Or how much does a ride or die chick run for these days?

I have so many questions and very few answers.

So I turn to rap music. I ask the Lox to guide me.



Jokes aside, loyalty is dominated by motives. What you choose to be loyal to is what's going to drive you and your relationships. If the money is the motive, then your relationships will be fake. You will pay for a life that depreciates everyday. But if you're looking for something durable, something faithful and secure, you are what you attract. An ardent love never fails to deliver. That's why some relationships last and others don't. No one's scared Tiny's going to leave Tip. That's the beauty of loyal relationships. They work through the inevitable kinks of life.

Good luck to TI. I just played "Don't You Wanna Be High" on accident and got a little sentimental.

Trying to Paint the Perfect Self Portrait

I wanna be a billionaire so freakin bad.

No. Really. And I would really like that song had it not been for the story my brother told me about Travis McCoy dissing him at Warped Tour one year. My brother handed Travis a CD of the band he was promoting at that time, and when Travis walked away he chucked it somewhere.

Well that was unnecessary.

I want to make it in this media industry, but I feel like famous people aren't supposed to reveal so much of themselves. I share so much through this thingy-bopper blog of mine, because I want you all to know and love me. I want you to pray for my success when you pray for your loved ones at night. Even if you hate me, I expect you'll still watch me because of the irresistible way I host a video or make a news story come to life. My mom is hesitant to share my url with her colleagues, and I held my breath the other day when my TA said he clicked this link from an email I sent about needing tutoring. While Criminal Minds paints one reason why cyber-living is dangerous, I need to know if my personality is going to get me into more trouble than jobs.

Am I supposed to be this personal? Maybe you shouldn't know how I feel about sex or where I am with religion. Maybe I should just play my position.

I'd just rather keep it real.

I look at all these people who are seated where I'm trying to sit, and I imagine how perfect their lives must be. They have the one thing I want. They're successful. They're being paid to do work I would probably pay someone to allow me to do.

But is the grass really greener that way? Take David Letterman for example. Sure, a certainly very successful late night host. And then it comes out that he'd been sleeping with subordinates. Who saw that coming? Haven't men learned the affairs are never the way to go? Maybe that's a subject for another post.

Is it better to paint the perfect picture of yourself the way you want it to look? For whatever reason, I think I provide an untouched digital photo: you get what's in the frame.

Travis McCoy may have hit singles and the opportunity to throw demo's on the ground, but who is he really? If I can't still be the cool Shelby/ Archel/ Vanity... I don't want the fame.

Well I want it. But maybe not so much.

Ok better example: Fantasia. We put her down for being uneducated. And a homewrecker. And super country. And then she attempts suicide. Like really, this industry should never have me so caught up in my head that I feel the only way out is through the bottom of a pill bottle. And then we still put her down. Twitter went wild with jokes about this. Hello. She almost died. All of this because of who she was.

Can I have my career the way I want it and still tell you all my secrets? Is this a "play now, pay later" issue I'm going to have to face? I'm scared, sincerely. I want you to see me as that girl you knew and could relate to, that just happened to work hard and move on up in the world. Is that so much to ask? No rehabs, no secret affairs, no hidden children. Just me, you, and the billions of dollars we're going to make. Can my appreciation for sincerity come along for the ride too? It doesn't bite. Hard. Let me know if I need to lock this all down.

Why the Relationship Jury Will Find Me Guilty

I’m going to go easy on the guys for a real quick second and express the ways I walk into relationship trouble. Ladies, failed relationships are usually, yes, all the man’s fault. But let’s say there’s a chance we could have helped things move in a different direction. Without further adieu, here is my list of actions that have kept this single girl single, my stupid relationship mistakes.

I’m guilty of not screening the guys carefully enough. I love men. Sexy men, smart men, men with passports; I just have a weakness for men. However the guys I like are not always the right men for me. I settle for sexy OR smart, and it shouldn’t be a compromise. If he doesn’t do what I need him to do now, he’s not going to do it further down the line, and I should guard my heart until I’ve met someone who’s met all the requirements and exceeded expectations.

I’m guilty of forcing the commitment. Stacey Dash said she’s been engaged so many times because the sex is crazy. Well if we haven’t built a good foundation for a relationship, it’s not going to last with or without amazing sex. Sometimes we force the commitment to feel secure, not because we know we’re with the right guy. No bueno.

**You could be guilty of this in several ways. Maybe you continually press the idea of being exclusive. Whatever the case may be, force isn't an attractive relationship word. Flow sounds much more comfortable. If he wants to be with you, he will. It will flow.

I’m guilty of not picking my battles. Emotional Archel wants to talk about everything, she never quite shuts the fuck up, and most times that’s needed. I don’t win by arguing, and he’s frustrated when he hears me nag. I mean when was the last time you angrily pointed out where a man could do better, and he agreed with you? Exactly. There are always fish to fry, but is it worth frying the baby fish?

I’m guilty of trying to be the perfect girlfriend, but not necessarily working toward the best relationship. I know, I know. I’m perfect. But I need to recognize my happiness isn’t contingent upon his. Dating is an audition, but not a broadway play. You want to know if you’re right for each other, instead of play pretend until you can’t take anymore. Sometimes I wanted what I wanted to be right for me. Sometimes you need to get down and dirty to know if you should be in that situation at all. Avoiding fights isn’t always the best route to take. You gotta show your true colors to find out if they blend.

I’m guilty of letting my girlfriends in my relationship. Most things are meant to be between the two of you. Work 'em out within yourselves. I always wanted my man to be friends with my girls. I would talk up one to the other so much so that my boo and my bff’s could blend and we could all be one big happy family. Then, one of my “girls” dated “my man.” Even if they’re looking in your best interest, your girls can make some problems bigger than necessary because of how much you let them tell you how to feel. Either way, a relationship should stay between the two parties involved. Let your girls watch romance movies and reality television if they want drama. Your life isn’t it.

I’m guilty of not letting it be over. Some relationships run their course. When you spot that yours has, let the course end and walk away with some dignity. People always say women should trust our intuitions, go with our guts. Sometimes our intuition is telling us things and we cannot clearly hear them. Your gut tells you there’s a little more juice left to squeeze from the relationship. Yes, listen to your gut, but don’t trust it unconditionally. Don’t be thirsty. It’s damaging to future relationships, and the only one who stands to lose is you (see It’s Over).

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
-- Marilyn Monroe

It's Over... Kind Of

Women are good at being unable to realize when something is over, aren’t we? I mean, once you break up how many conversations about the status of the relationship does a girl need? There is no relationship. It’s over. But is it?

If you’re like most women I know, there’s an in between phase you don’t enjoy, but somehow seem to find yourself in the middle of anyway. He may not be spending the night every night, but he may come through on the late night twice a week. He may be talking to other girls, but in your mind he’s still yours. The two of you may even go on a few dates together, but the fact still remains, that ain’t your man anymore.

See my days are cold without you

But I'm hurting while I'm with you.

Though my heart can't take no more I just keep running back to you.

--Ashanti

Here’s my list of the top 5 things to do to forget about this in-between bum. You may not need him, but you need to follow these rules. Dedicated to all the situations I let sit in my house well after the expiration date had passed.

Sing the song, “We Can’t Be Friends.” I’m one of those girls who thinks you can be friends with an ex-boyfriend. This has caused me more pain than the actual break-up. Men just don’t see it that way. I feel I can still use your network, and rely on the fact that you know me better than most others, therefore making you the perfect bestie. The reality is you don’t need the stress that comes with this friendship. Every time you get together you’ll want it to be like old times, and nope “friends” don’t fuck. So let this friend go on his merry way.

The blame here goes to the men. If only you could be as peaceful as we are and just be cool, you would have a wonderful woman in your corner. But then could you as the woman keep it together, or is this just your personal compromise with yourself? You can’t have all of him but you’re fine with a piece. No ma’am. In 2010 we don’t settle. And we go where we’re celebrated, not just tolerated. Sing the remix ladies: We can’t be friends…. I’m just so much better than you.

Deep down you know it's best for yourself but you

Hate the thought of her being with someone else

But you know that it's over

You know that it's through

--Usher

Delete the number. Y’all aren’t friends right? So why do you need the number? When are you gonna need to call him? What are you gonna need him for? The last boyfriend I had had a name that began C-H. So everytime I would go to call my Aunt Christine, Mr. C-H popped up to the top of my address book. Then I would start to get all sad about the phone conversations we would have. And I would think back to the wonderful way he made me feel. And then I would want to text him. And then I was fucking up because none of the fights we had popped into my head. Delete the number, and the sooner the better.

Here, no one can take the blame. You save numbers in this day and age. You just have to be big enough to delete them too. Here’s a comforting thought: If he still cares he’ll call you soon enough and you’ll have the number again. However if he doesn’t, you’ve removed the thirsty option from your choices of people to hit up today.

I can't leave him alone...

--Ciara

Just say no. No one likes getting laid regularly more than I do. But I doubt it’s worth all the side stress that comes with it. Plus, can you guarantee he’s not sleeping with someone else too? All of a sudden it’s sex you’re risking your life for. Yes, it’s that serious! This isn’t a monogamous relationship if it isn’t a relationship. So let’s set the scene: It’s 12:15am, and when you were in a relationship, the two of you would be settling into bed at this time. Now that you’re single, he’s texting you asking if you want company for the night. Your answer needs to be “Nope I’m good, I’m really tired.” He does not need to be coming over because it’s not gonna be just for tea. You’re a progressive woman. Don’t run in circles, run pyramids. Take note, you’re not really giving him an excuse either. He’s not entitled to one. Just tell him kindly that it’s a no go, and take your ass to bed. This is the hardest, but if you do it and stick to your guns you will be walking the path to inner resolution.

Blame game: Him. He ought to be ashamed of his little frisky, horny self.

Live fabulously! He wins if you’re unhappy while he’s moved forward. Go out. Meet sexy new men. Do work. Make your life matter more. Time isn’t on your side. Who wants to look back and see wasted days spent thinking about someone who is unworthy? You will leave your legacy, don’t tarnish it by selling yourself short. I often think about how Obama’s ex-girlfriends must feel. If I were one of them I would feel salty as hell we didn’t make it work. Really? I would be Mrs. Barack Obama right now. As for Barack, he’s Barack. He isn’t worried about any ex! He’s a gem. So are you. Maximize your possibilities. Be that chick for yourself, but it’s sweet to think someone’s really really going to regret letting you go.

Blame it on you if you don’t follow this rule. Go out and get your life my love! Make moves! Take this opportunity by the balls!

Repeat. You’re going to kiss a lot of frogs, and maggots, and possums, before you meet a king. Remember we aren’t looking for princes, and that king is going to be a real step up guy. No bullshit. Or low bullshit. Either way, don’t let the misbehaviors of many prevent you from finding happiness with one. Don’t regret things that made you smile, but take everything as a learning experience.

When I think of relationships, even though I don’t want to get married, I think of those that last. They take effort, but they make it past the on-again off-again bullshit this blog post is describing. If you have to beg him to be there, what’s he gonna give when he’s by your side? A friend once said, if you hold onto something that’s trying to let you go, you get dragged through the dirt. Touché. I’m too bad a chick to roll through dirt, how about you?

I believe you can have your cake and eat it too.

I mean why else would you have cake?

But you can't have MY red velvet,

with the cream cheese icing I may add,

and still be looking for strawberry.

How selfish?!?! And why would you want that second rate flavor??

I'll just find someone else to enjoy my goodies.

And trust me, they ARE good.

But you already knew that.

--Me!

The Independent Woman Killed the Real Man

It all started a few summers ago when Webbie decided to make I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T the new female anthem. I would be in the club with my fake ID saying "check" everytime he rapped another item I had of my own. Yes I pay my own rent. And when I want steak and shrimp for dinner, I go buy my own steak and shrimp for dinner. Period. I know I can take care of myself, but you want me to have two jobs to be a bad broad? If I'm doing all of this for myself, why do I need you in my life again? And why are we listening to a man named Webbie to define the standard of women these days?

Then came NeYo. He made the independent woman sound like "that chick" I really wanted to be. Twice. It was like the first song wasn't enough. You really needed a remix to understand how wonderful a woman is that can literally stand, run marathons, and leap bounds all on her own two feet. Soon women everywhere were claiming they didn't need a man to do anything for them. I mean anything. It's been the trend ever since.

But why?

Let's look at this independent woman phenomenon from a societal point of view. Many women, especially black women, are seriously living their lives without a man to be the other half. My mom and most of my aunts did the mother and father role. They're truly independent women. But they didn't walk around singing it like it were a badge of honor. These are the cards life dealt, so they learned to make lemon pie out of lemons. Maybe Webbie, NeYo, and all the wonderful people who loved these songs felt a connection to them because of their own personal experiences with independent women. I can't lie, I bought the ringtone. But doesn't the independent woman get courted? Do we have to go dutch on the first date for you to know you have a top notch chick on your hands? Is it no longer acceptable to want you for more than sex? Because technically, I can buy that too if I've truly got my own...

Switching gears to the effect this can have on a relationship: fellas, do you truly believe you're connecting with a woman who hasn't allowed you to step up in her life? A woman who continues to be completely self reliant isn't making room for you anywhere else but her bed. No matter how exciting that may sound right now, if you're ever looking for longevity, you're not going to find it under those stakes. Take my wonderful mother for example. As stated before, she was mommy and daddy for a while, but being the newlywed that she is I'm sure she's riding shotgun sometimes because that's what men and women do when they commit to each other. Emphasis on "each other." That makes it a dual thing. Boys and girls play the "too independent" games, and when it's "each other," there's no room for that kind of stuff. Comfort within yourself means allowing each other to play their rightful role in a relationship. Court me, dammit. Serve me and I will serve you.

As a secret fan of The Bad Girls Club I want to talk about the date Kendra had at the chicken wing spot a few episodes back. Her date really left her with the whole tab. How rude? He didn't even offer to contribute to their $20 check because he claimed he was testing her. *insert Scooby-Doo voice here* What would the Millionaire Matchmaker have said about him?

I won't dwell on this too long. Guys, don't be jerks. Your mama's raised you better. Ladies, don't allow yourself to be walked on like that. It's not acceptable if you don't allow it to be. Once you know how to be treated like a lady, why would you ever, ever, EVER step backward? I thought we were the progressive half of the species.

There are two laws I want to make apply to this sweeping injustice...

Fellas, Law 11:: Learn to keep people dependent on you :: To maintain your independence you must always be needed and wanted. The more you are relied on, the more freedom you have. Make people depend on you for their happiness and prosperity and you have nothing to fear. Never teach them enough so that they can do without you.

Bottom line, don't become extinct. As nice as it is to keep $10 in your pockets because she bought her own movie tickets, she's going to find the one she needs and I don't mean financially. If you don't step it up and be the partner a woman is owed by God, someone else will. The ideal man will sing the NeYo song and he opens the car door.


Ladies I got one for you too. Law 34:: Be royal in your own fashion: Act like a Queen to be treated like one:: The way you carry yourself will often determine how you are treated. In the long run, appearing vulgar or common will make people disrespect you. For a queen respects herself and inspires the same sentiment in others. By acting regally and confident of your powers, you make yourself seem destined to wear a crown.


Don't be scared to be a queen. Take the place you know you deserve, because factually a real man wouldn't let himself be so disposable. He wants a front seat in your life and isn't afraid to take good care of you and show that you deserve the best from him to complete the best life you're making for yourself. When you act simple, you get simple men. I'll take the best, thank you. The ideal kind of woman is one who is independent but can still relinquish power to her man. Put...the... check...DOWN. He's got it.

Now "5-star Chick..." I don't have any arguments about.

Loving You

I love February. Valentine's Day is my absolute favorite holiday, and I've only had one Valentine in my whole life. I love going to the stores and everything is pink and red. I love things that sparkle. I love the chance to be naughty and the opportunity to share your feelings. I just love when we spread love, and if the holiday is our excuse to be loving, I don't think Valentine's Day comes often enough.

We spend so much of our time trying to analyze love. We sing about it, we read about how to find it, we fall in and out of it. Love makes us do crazy things. We want a job we love, a partner we love, a life we love, things we love. We define love with different traits. Love is power. Love is peace. Love is happiness. Love is loyalty.

At what point does love simply become YOU?

"I found God in myself. And I loved her. I loved her fiercely." -Ntozake Shange

As I tried to analyze the quote and come up with something poiniant to say afterward, I realized it can stand alone. Just wanted to share. Happy Love Season.

Those cookies were made and decorated by my love Neela Balkissoon. Yep I wanna wife her too.

First Date Etiquette

Hello Lovers--

Today is the 1 week anniversary of my blog and I want to thank you for almost 1000 hits. Your support amazes me and I'm so excited that you all want to read my words. In lieu of the amazing first date I went on yesterday, I thought I would publish a good handful of do's and don'ts as given by my twitter family. Guys, I know I keep it pretty feminine focused on this site, but the ladies were honest about you! Read and enjoy, and of course make sure you're falling in line!

Ladies DON'T get ahead of the date. Yes it is too early to pronounce your first name with his last. It's completely normal to get excited about meeting someone new, but if your expectations for your outing aren't met, who's left high and dry? Give him the opportunity to earn your affection. This way if he doesn't you haven't lost much, and if he does it will be that much sweeter.

Horror Story: "Someone brought his kid on the date! I'm not trying to be stepmama yet!" - Submitted by Ashley (@Peaches_AW)
Lesson Learned: DON'T reveal everything on the first date if you want a second. Dating is the process in which we gradually learn if we're compatible with each other. Although there is something to be said about laying all your cards on the table, we're saying "run!" not "success!" Honesty is important in dating, however understanding the difference between "full disclosure" and "honesty" is key to this.

Horror Story: "He didn't pick up the tab when he asked me out!!" - Submitted by Valerie (@VDubbalicious)
Lesson Learned: DO exercise common courtesy. Everyone has their own feelings about what is an appropriate way to exit the first date. Since this is MY blog, I'm going to say the guy was wrong for that. If you want to put that good foot forward, show me that you can be the gentleman, at least for the first date. If you're on a budget, that's okay. Just take me somewhere you can foot the bill. I know, I know, the best excuse for everything these days is "it's a recession," but sometimes the best dates are the most creative. So I'm certain you can afford me, even if I'm spending more time in thought than anything else.

The flip side to this is DO be prepared for anything thrown at you. Ladies, this is not the time to order things you wouldn't pay for yourself. Since you don't know what to expect from this guy, be prepared for anything. Make sure you come prepared to cover your share of the damage, so if he's not as wonderful as you expected, you've saved yourself from a truly awkward situation.

DON'T name drop excessively, brag about yourself, or your material things. Really what does that have to do with ME anyway? And this date is supposed to be about you and I right? So let's converse about things we can really use to learn about each other.

Things on the super no-no conversation list:

• Wedding/ Honeymoon Thoughts
  
• Credit Score
• Old Relationship Specifics
• Anything that may move someone to tears
• Hypotheticals that include old relationship specifics
• Sex
  

I want you to have a second date. Steer clear of these topics and you may have just that.

DO talk about things you are passionate about. DON'T hide yourself. Dating kind of sucks, but you have to do it. You may as well be honest about yourself from the start. You either find someone you're compatible with, or you don't. When you're honest, there can be no regrets.

Look at conversation from a girls' perspective: "I knew I would go on a second date with him when he really tried to get know me by asking non-standard questions and was comfortable leading the conversation." - Submitted by Adaora (@AdaoraO)

And from a guy's perspective: "If I didn't ask her out again it probably had something to do with convo or just the vibe of the night. If I'm carrying the convo the whole night no bueno!" - Submitted by Shaun (@rg33zy)

DO remember you are on a date to get to know one another, and conversation is the most important factor. When I asked my twitter family for responses to these questions, girls just wanted to laugh and feel comfortable. Guys just wanted responses and to feel comfortable (who'd have thought??). Let's stay away from anything that might hinder this process. Watch the cocktail intake!!

At the end of the day, the first date isn't a contract, it's more of an audition, and I'm sure you'll go through many more of these before you hit your last first date. Get comfortable, be yourself, and think of these last super hilarious stories as you try not to slip up.

"It's nice when guys open doors, but if a girl reaches a door 1st, don't shove her outta the way 2 open it 4 her ... that cancels out the gentlemanly gesture lol." - Submitted by Neela (@Neeeela)

"It's a no go if I checked her facebook page and saw that she dated some of my friends, LOL." - Submitted by Khalid (@ThaGuy22) Editor's Note: Why are you facebook stalking?

"I don't like if she talk 2 dayum much N name drops!! Bitch I givs a fuk who u n da studio wit or who u hang wit n da club." - Submitted by Avery (@Ave34) Editor's Note: Well alright....

"...and then his ex girlfriend called me with her friend on three way like they were trynna jump me! thru the phone!" - Submitted by Rita (@noneknowsmyname)

"But a deal breaker was this guy kept touching me and rubbing me....and trynna stunt me in the club for a booth that me n my girls paid for." - Submitted by Rita (@noneknowsmyname) Editor's Note: Gee Rita, you've had your fair share!

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Also, today is our money man's birthday! Have a good one Omari!! @TheMoneyMaven (See Let's Make Money in our timeline)

The Vixen Manual: How to Find, Seduce, and Keep the Man You Want

New York Times bestselling author Karrine Steffans keeps releasing page turning novels, and August’s newbie, The Vixen Manual: How to Find, Seduce, and Keep the Man You Want, has proven to be no exception. The slight change in themes however has changed the book club chatter among women, as it’s not about WHO she’s been involved with, but HOW to be involved. Karrine touches on a few of our favorite subjects including love, sex, and becoming a better woman, while giving us insight on how to do it all like a vixen. I’m sure opinions will run wild on this one!

On Casual Sex: You shouldn’t be afraid of what it means to be a woman, and part of that means understanding that we are wired to feel an emotional connection with a sexual partner, especially one who makes a repeat appearance. I’ll say as a single woman, it’s easy enough to fall into the trap of wanting some sort of affection rather than none at all. The old-fashioned approach to dating has evolved, and not to our benefit if we want the appropriate courtship. Any woman who has tried knows it’s hard to turn a man from casual partner into full time love interest in the ninth inning. The issue here is that a woman should truly be honest with herself and her desires as she approaches situations with another man. Casual sex requires too much of your time and energy for such little reward. What is it you’re really searching for with a physical relationship? What void are you trying to fill? Since sex is so easy to get, what value will it fill for you? “A lady makes a man work, and work damn hard for every morsel of affection.” Imagine if every woman thought like this. Reputations would be cleaner, feelings would be preserved, and most important, we would leave ourselves in a better place to find that meaningful relationship we desire.

On Balancing Independence and Loneliness: Don’t look up and find yourself lonely because you were trying to be too worldbound and dominant at home. In the era of the independent woman, it’s hard to ignore the role shift we are experiencing as we try to build the best life we can for ourselves. Many women find it hard to acknowledge when it is appropriate to relinquish power to their partner, and when to keep the driver’s seat. While it is one thing to be on your own and be sufficient in your own company, it is a complete other to be alone because you don’t know how to include a boyfriend into your life equation. If a man is unsure how to fit himself into your independent life, there is nothing preventing him from finding a woman who may be more open to including him. As a woman used to having power, the hardest pill to swallow may be how to share that power in a relationship. What are you scared of? What are you protecting yourself from? I would be more afraid of securing my life as a single female with my subconscious actions. Part of a woman’s power is in knowing when to relinquish simply that.

On Physical Currency: No matter what size and shape you are, be confident knowing that you take good care of yourself. Without taking care of ourselves physically and emotionally, what good are we to a relationship? More important, what good are we to ourselves? So many of us have hang -ups in one area or another of our physical appearance. Sometimes we spread ourselves so thin that our dreams get deferred for other reasons that may seem more important at the time. Nothing should be allowed to come before taking care of yourself. Karrine recommends making a list of goals you want to accomplish, big or small, because in defining yourself, you lose the chance that others will do it for you. I believe things that are out of sight are out of mind, and advancing yourself in any way should be at the forefront of your mind at all times. If you want to lose weight, make a plan, meet with a dietician and do it! If you want to start your non-profit business, find funding, write your proposals and go for it! No one is stopping you but you. When your dreams are big and you stick to the pursuit, the drive is attractive to anyone. Be a compliment to yourself.

On Preparation Meeting Opportunity: The universe always delivers, as long as you believe. Here’s where Karrine starts to get into some more tangible thinking. She explains that your preparation for a man should go beyond your looks, but you should acts as if you already have him around in your day-to-day activities. Visualizing him is one of the strongest ways to bring him. Step back and look into your life. Would your home look the way it does now if you had that man? Would your bed have fresher linens? Does your skin feel and smell as it would if you had that companion? Would you be cooking more? Do you even know what you would be cooking? Take the time to make your environment a welcoming one, that way when opportunity comes knocking, you’re not meeting it with big t-shirts and molded food in the fridge. As with any potential job, you want to go in with your best foot forward. Treat preparation for a relationship the same way. When you believe it will come for you, be ready to accept it and shine. In the end you will have made yourself better individual while you wait on your perfect compliment.

I am curious as to what anyone feels not only on the words she’s saying, but who’s saying it. Karrine Steffans isn’t exactly anyone’s ideal role model, but three bestsellers is nothing to sneer at. Would you take relationship advice from her? Fellas, do you think this is good advice for women to take? Leave comments for me under this post, or tweet me at @The_SJB. My favorite thing about exposing my thoughts is the educational, healthy conversation it sparks. What do you think about this post?

The Vixen Manual: How to Find, Seduce, and Keep the Man You Want is available at Barnes & Noble for $25.99 and amazon.com for $17.15. You can also visit Karrine Steffans’ website at www.karrine.com. She does get into some interesting sex positions as well. I mean, what are we getting her novel for?