Wednesday, November 11, 2009

The Vixen Manual: How to Find, Seduce, and Keep the Man You Want

New York Times bestselling author Karrine Steffans keeps releasing page turning novels, and August’s newbie, The Vixen Manual: How to Find, Seduce, and Keep the Man You Want, has proven to be no exception. The slight change in themes however has changed the book club chatter among women, as it’s not about WHO she’s been involved with, but HOW to be involved. Karrine touches on a few of our favorite subjects including love, sex, and becoming a better woman, while giving us insight on how to do it all like a vixen. I’m sure opinions will run wild on this one!

On Casual Sex: You shouldn’t be afraid of what it means to be a woman, and part of that means understanding that we are wired to feel an emotional connection with a sexual partner, especially one who makes a repeat appearance.
I’ll say as a single woman, it’s easy enough to fall into the trap of wanting some sort of affection rather than none at all. The old-fashioned approach to dating has evolved, and not to our benefit if we want the appropriate courtship. Any woman who has tried knows it’s hard to turn a man from casual partner into full time love interest in the ninth inning. The issue here is that a woman should truly be honest with herself and her desires as she approaches situations with another man. Casual sex requires too much of your time and energy for such little reward. What is it you’re really searching for with a physical relationship? What void are you trying to fill? Since sex is so easy to get, what value will it fill for you? “A lady makes a man work, and work damn hard for every morsel of affection.” Imagine if every woman thought like this. Reputations would be cleaner, feelings would be preserved, and most important, we would leave ourselves in a better place to find that meaningful relationship we desire.

On Balancing Independence and Loneliness: Don’t look up and find yourself lonely because you were trying to be too worldbound and dominant at home. In the era of the independent woman, it’s hard to ignore the role shift we are experiencing as we try to build the best life we can for ourselves. Many women find it hard to acknowledge when it is appropriate to relinquish power to their partner, and when to keep the driver’s seat. While it is one thing to be on your own and be sufficient in your own company, it is a complete other to be alone because you don’t know how to include a boyfriend into your life equation. If a man is unsure how to fit himself into your independent life, there is nothing preventing him from finding a woman who may be more open to including him. As a woman used to having power, the hardest pill to swallow may be how to share that power in a relationship. What are you scared of? What are you protecting yourself from? I would be more afraid of securing my life as a single female with my subconscious actions. Part of a woman’s power is in knowing when to relinquish simply that.

On Physical Currency: No matter what size and shape you are, be confident knowing that you take good care of yourself.
Without taking care of ourselves physically and emotionally, what good are we to a relationship? More important, what good are we to ourselves? So many of us have hang -ups in one area or another of our physical appearance. Sometimes we spread ourselves so thin that our dreams get deferred for other reasons that may seem more important at the time. Nothing should be allowed to come before taking care of yourself. Karrine recommends making a list of goals you want to accomplish, big or small, because in defining yourself, you lose the chance that others will do it for you. I believe things that are out of sight are out of mind, and advancing yourself in any way should be at the forefront of your mind at all times. If you want to lose weight, make a plan, meet with a dietician and do it! If you want to start your non-profit business, find funding, write your proposals and go for it! No one is stopping you but you. When your dreams are big and you stick to the pursuit, the drive is attractive to anyone. Be a compliment to yourself.

On Preparation Meeting Opportunity: The universe always delivers, as long as you believe.
Here’s where Karrine starts to get into some more tangible thinking. She explains that your preparation for a man should go beyond your looks, but you should acts as if you already have him around in your day-to-day activities. Visualizing him is one of the strongest ways to bring him. Step back and look into your life. Would your home look the way it does now if you had that man? Would your bed have fresher linens? Does your skin feel and smell as it would if you had that companion? Would you be cooking more? Do you even know what you would be cooking? Take the time to make your environment a welcoming one, that way when opportunity comes knocking, you’re not meeting it with big t-shirts and molded food in the fridge. As with any potential job, you want to go in with your best foot forward. Treat preparation for a relationship the same way. When you believe it will come for you, be ready to accept it and shine. In the end you will have made yourself better individual while you wait on your perfect compliment.

I am curious as to what anyone feels not only on the words she’s saying, but who’s saying it. Karrine Steffans isn’t exactly anyone’s ideal role model, but three bestsellers is nothing to sneer at. Would you take relationship advice from her? Fellas, do you think this is good advice for women to take? Leave comments for me under this post, or tweet me at @The_SJB. My favorite thing about exposing my thoughts is the educational, healthy conversation it sparks. What do you think about this post?

The Vixen Manual: How to Find, Seduce, and Keep the Man You Want is available at Barnes & Noble for $25.99 and for $17.15. You can also visit Karrine Steffans’ website at She does get into some interesting sex positions as well. I mean, what are we getting her novel for?


  1. I'm the total opposite of a fan of Supahead, and she gets no respect in my book. Not because she's a hoe, because a reformed hoe could get some respect from me but because she didn't know her place. (Yes, I said all the feminist people gon come looking for me) And yes, I'm a women. Her first book had no "lessons" or take aways from it except that she's a hoe...her second book was utterly disrespectful to those men that she knew was married when she slept with them and now she's giving us advice??? As a true woman, I ain't taking no advice from a hoe...maybe a reformed hoe but she ain't been on the woman side long enough to give women advice. Again, this broad just don't know her place...smh.

  2. So this is how I see it (this is just my opinion, maybe I'm just being a guy, idk)...Not being a woman, I do see certain truths in what you mentioned, as to what an approach to this so call "love" should be. I put love in quotes, because we as a society have digressed so much on this matter that both woman and man kind are throughly confused on what love is. I think we focus too much on what is SHOULD be, rather than what it can be. The media (I like to call it propaganda), paints a picture that is so far fetched in reality. It's become too plastic and commercialized. We are chasing after that wrong thing most of the time....thats is why we feel dissatisfied even after an amazing date/evening. I can not even count the number of times I have taken a beautiful, intelligent, smart girl out, but at the end of the night I still feel something is missing.

    I think the key here is understand what you want, self-realization....and not what would look good on you. I truly believe happiness can be found in life's most smallest things.